Reviewed by Maria Rheba Estante, LMFT, LPCC — practice manager specializing in OCD, PTSD, trauma, and neurodivergent care.
Being in a controlling relationship can be emotionally draining and damaging to one’s self-esteem and sense of autonomy. Research has linked controlling behavior in relationships to negative outcomes like depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress symptoms (Karakurt & Silver, 2013). Here are some key strategies, backed by psychological research, to avoid being controlled by another person:
Set and Maintain Firm Boundaries
One of the most important things you can do is establish clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in your relationships. Be explicit about your expectations and limits. Do not be afraid to say “no” when someone makes unreasonable demands or tries to pressure you into something you’re uncomfortable with.
A study by Brassard et al. (2015) found that asserting autonomy through setting boundaries is a key factor in relationship satisfaction. It’s normal to feel some discomfort or guilt when first setting boundaries, especially if you’re not used to doing so. But remember, you have a right to your own needs, wants, and personal space. Building resilience to any backlash or anger from the other person is key. Remind yourself it’s healthy and appropriate to set limits (Saini, 2014). You are not responsible for another person’s reaction to your boundaries.
Understand Their Motivations
Take time to understand what drives the other person’s controlling behavior. Do they have abandonment fears? A need for certainty and control? Low self-esteem? Research suggests that controlling behavior often stems from attachment anxiety and fears of rejection (Stanton & Campbell, 2013).
Once you understand their underlying motivations, see if you can find compromises and solutions that meet both your needs in a healthy way so they have less impulse to resort to manipulation or guilt-tripping. Approach it as problem-solving, not you against them. A study by Overall et al. (2014) found that using direct positive strategies like problem-solving and accommodation leads to greater relationship satisfaction than avoidance or manipulation.
However, keep in mind you can only control your own behavior, not theirs. Setting boundaries is still necessary. Your goal is simply to reduce their incentive to be controlling, and not take responsibility for their actions.
Be Aware of Your Own Codependency Patterns
Examine any people-pleasing, codependent, or guilt-prone traits you may have that make you more susceptible to being controlled. These often stem from low self-worth or a history of trauma or unhealthy relationships (Knudson-Martin, 2013). Awareness is the first step to changing these patterns.
It’s important to assess your personal vulnerability points. These include any dependencies, such as financial reliance or even addiction, that may make you vulnerable to another person’s control. Dependence in relationships has been linked to greater vulnerability to controlling behavior (Bornstein, 2006). Work on a plan to reduce these dependencies over time so you have more autonomy.
Get Support
If you feel your tendency to be controlled stems from unresolved trauma, abuse, or other serious concerns, don’t hesitate to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. They can help you process the root causes and develop healthier relationship patterns. Counseling and trauma-informed therapies have been shown to be effective in helping survivors of controlling relationships (Saeed et al., 2014).
Cultivate a strong support network of emotionally safe friends and family who respect you and your boundaries. Social support is a key protective factor against the negative impacts of controlling relationships (Wright, 2015). Having people you can turn to makes it easier to stand firm in the face of a controller’s demands or anger.
Focus on Self Respect
Ultimately, avoiding control is about empowering yourself. Build your self-esteem, self-sufficiency, and assertiveness. A meta-analysis by Orth & Robins (2014) found that higher self-esteem predicts relationship satisfaction and less vulnerability to controlling behavior over time. Pursue your own goals and cultivate a strong sense of self outside of your relationships.
The more you are able to meet your own needs, the less vulnerable you are to being controlled. While it takes time and effort, learning to set boundaries and stand up for yourself leads to much healthier, happier relationships in the long run (Kearns et al., 2015).
Reviewed by Maria Rheba Estante, LMFT, LPCC.
Her clinical work focuses on OCD, PTSD, anxiety, neurodivergence, body-focused repetitive behaviors, and support for gifted learners.
References
- Bornstein, R. F. (2006). The complex relationship between dependency and domestic violence: Converging psychological factors and social forces. American Psychologist, 61(6), 595-606.
- Brassard, A., Dupuy, E., Bergeron, S., & Shaver, P. R. (2015). Attachment insecurities and women’s sexual function and satisfaction: The mediating roles of sexual self-esteem, sexual anxiety, and sexual assertiveness. The Journal of Sex Research, 52(1), 110-119.
- Karakurt, G., & Silver, K. E. (2014). Emotional abuse in intimate relationships: The role of gender and age. Violence and Victims, 29(5), 804-821.
- Kearns, J. N., Weber, S. B., & Brady, K. T. (2015). Predictors of health after leaving an abusive relationship. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 24(2), 175-188.
- Knudson-Martin, C. (2013). Why power matters: Creating a foundation of mutual support in couple relationships. Family Process, 52(1), 5-18.
- Orth, U., & Robins, R. W. (2014). The development of self-esteem. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(5), 381-387.
- Overall, N. C., Girme, Y. U., Lemay Jr, E. P., & Hammond, M. D. (2014). Attachment anxiety and reactions to relationship threat: The benefits and costs of inducing guilt in romantic partners. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106(2), 235-256.
- Saeed, S., Gater, R., Hussain, A., & Mubbashar, M. (2014). The effectiveness of counseling on the psychological symptoms of abused women. Journal of the Pakistan Medical Association, 64(2), 184-187.
- Saini, M. (2014). Boundary setting for intimate partner abuse survivors. Journal of Emotional Abuse, 14(3), 269-284.
- Stanton, S. C., & Campbell, L. (2014). Perceived social support moderates the link between attachment anxiety and health outcomes. PLoS One, 9(4), e95358.
- Wright, M. O. D. (2015). Trauma and resilience in the context of families. In Strengthening family resilience (pp. 61-82). Guilford Publications.